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90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After? Recap: Oranges Aren’t Watermelons, Bro

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Early in “Let’s Talk About Sex …,” one of Michael’s friends grants us this bit of wisdom: “Oranges aren’t watermelons, bro.” Of course, he’s talking about Michael’s thoughts on Angela’s new boobs, but I think more people on 90 Day Fiancé need to take this quote as an invitation to accept the reality of their situation. Many this season can’t seem to differentiate between the story they’ve told themselves and the actual reality they have to deal with. There is no way Angela is going to get pregnant with sperm Michael ships to America, so why is Michael even entertaining this idea? Michael just won’t accept that Angela has no intention of giving him a child. To Angela’s credit, she has made this clear to him. He just doesn’t want to hear it.

Angela and Michael exist in the same sort of inertia as Mike and Natalie, although Mike and Natalie are way more depressing. At least I actually believe Michael and Angela love each other, while Natalie has never been able to express her feelings for Michael. Many have said it’s because her culture is more reserved, and I’ve always thought it’s possible Mike and Natalie’s relationship seems odd because she has issues showing affection on-camera, but they could be wildly in love in real life. “Let’s Talk About Sex …” clears that up and lets us know that, no: Natalie is actually much worse off-camera! We as an audience must confront the orange of their horrible relationship, and it’s all thanks to Mike’s mom.

 

 

I think everyone is tired of this “His mom called me hooker” plot, but no one is more tired than Trish, who clears things up: She never called Natalie a hooker, but she does have some shit to say! She doesn’t like Natalie because she’s mean to Mike. She doesn’t like Natalie because she’s rude. She doesn’t like Natalie because she doesn’t think Natalie really loves him. And, most importantly, Trish reveals that Natalie gave all of the Christmas gifts Mike gave her to a friend! Trish asks a great question: What are you saying to these friends when you give these gifts away? How is she making Mike out to be the villain so she can play victim? This is the game Natalie has been playing since she came on the show, and someone finally called her out on it. She goes silent; Mike stops filming and storms off set. I am left wondering if Natalie and her Ukrainian friend are in some sort of secret lesbian affair and this was a long con on Natalie’s part for them to reunite. Why else would she put Mike through all of this?

When it comes to Yara and Jovi, I am forced to face the reality that my favorite couple this season isn’t perfect. Well, let me be clear: Yara is absolutely still perfect. Jovi, however, has fallen firmly into Dipshit Territory. I truly don’t know how else to describe it. There are certain people in the 90 Day Fiancé universe who simply have Dipshit Moments. Remember when Paul took Karine to see a waste-treatment plant and an abandoned trailer so she’d be thankful she lived in America? Dipshit Moment. When Tom gave Darcey that key instead of a ring? Dipshit Moment. Andrei and Charlie? The Dipshittiest. Jovi taking Yara on a vacation to Miami five months after giving birth and telling her not to be “boring”? An absolute Dipshit Moment.

 

 

It’s not that Yara doesn’t deserve a vacation, it’s that this is so clearly not about Yara. This is about Jovi and his need to relive his old life. Babies change things and he refuses to accept that! Yara clearly wants to go to Miami and be bougie and enjoy life, but she isn’t in a place where she can drink all night and go to strip clubs! Jovi absolutely could’ve given her a trip where she got spa massages all day and had a chance to relax after giving birth and acting as a single mom. But no, Jovi just cares about how much sex they’re having. I truly can’t believe he’s being this dense. I’ve been rooting for you, Jovi. Please get it together.

Last week, I said Andrei had finally won me over a little bit, but this episode confirms my allegiance. Andrei was simply trying to serve cake at his own daughter’s birthday and Libby’s sisters couldn’t be polite. They’re so desperate for camera time and drama, they will make an issue out of anything. It’s tiring to watch and I simply want them to go away. Who cares how big Andrei cuts the cake? Who cares if he cuts it before they sing “Happy Birthday”? I was even kind of happy when Chuck stood up for Andrei because I’m so sick of Libby’s sisters. If we have to keep watching this family, at least we have someone to root for now, and I can’t believe it’s Andrei.

 

As boring as Brandon and Julia have been, this was a pretty interesting episode for them. Julia reveals that her plan is to sell the farm. I always thought her main issue was that they lived with his parents, but now it’s apparent that Julia just hates everything Brandon holds close. She doesn’t want him to have a relationship with his parents. She wants no part in the legacy that matters to him. During their interview, it was like Brandon finally realized this woman does not share the same vision of the future as him, and, well … that might matter. He needs to either accept the city life Julia wants, or work on getting her to adjust her expectations.

90 Day Notes

• Where is Natalie’s rat?

• They are really teasing the arrival of Asuelu’s family. They’re already in town, but this episode we only get an initial meeting where Asuelu begs them to be on their best behavior. Since Tammy immediately brings up money and how she doesn’t like Kalani, I don’t see that happening when they finally all get together.

• Michael doesn’t masturbate and he likes boobs because he was breastfed until he was 9. I didn’t want to know any of these things. There are … so many issues there.

• Yara sleeping in the car was a baller move.

• Natalie has a room at Julia’s house!!!!